Root's a ringer for Ellen

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FIRST, it was the Sherminator. Now, Ellen DeGeneres. Shane Warne's attempts at getting under the skin of English batsmen have hit new heights with the spin king posting a split screen image Joe Root and DeGeneres on Instagram - the resemblance is shocking.

The uncanny similarity sent the Twitterverse into raptures after Warne posted the picture just before the close of play on the first day at the Gabba.

Warne famously labelled English batsmen Ian Bell, "The Sherminator" - a character in the movie American Pie - in a previous Ashes series.

Let's hope this jibe has the opposite effect on Root because Bell has been one of the world's premier batsmen since Warne launched his Sherminator attack. Fingers crossed.

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Warner back in good books

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GIVEN the soap opera that has been David Warner's life in recent months, Australian cricket fans could have justifiably hoped the colourful opener would never be seen in the baggy-green again.

But thank goodness for Warner's presence at the Gabba yesterday. Without cricket's human headline, Australia's opening innings of the summer would have resembled an episode of the Benny Hill Show.

Granted, there were still too many moments of local batting vaudeville. But on a day where England followed their script to the letter, Warner provided moments of resistance that suggest he can be the streetfighting nuisance that keeps the old enemy honest this summer.

Entering this first Test, Warner spoke of his aim to win back respect following his bar-room bust-up with Joe Root during his horror tour of England.

Day one at the Gabba represented the first step. His 49 was not the mammoth innings that provides the bedrock for Test triumphs but it was an enterprising, impressive knock and an exhibition of Warner's ability when he is single-minded about cricket.

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To some degree, amid his search for redemption, he would have gleaned the respect of the English attack he briefly dominated yesterday.

While his top-order cohorts wilted in the English furnace, Warner fought fire with fire. His statement was instant, crunching Stuart Broad's first ball of the morning to the boundary with a pull shot over backward square leg.

The following over, Warner went after James Anderson, driving confidently to a ball that was deliciously full and wide.

Nine balls later, he brutally cover drove a Broad half-volley to the fence. And then he produced the most audacious shot of the day, leaping off the ground to cheekily upper-cut a Broad bouncer over the slips cordon. Four boundaries in six overs. Warner was away. Somebody stop him.

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Perhaps the most compelling observation was Warner's control. His knock was a fusion of power and patience. In between the displays of brutality, Warner adopted a sensible mentality, respecting the good balls and keeping his ego in the back pocket.

The bad balls were duly punished. Just ask spinner Graeme Swann, who watched helplessly as Warner thumped his second delivery of the innings to the long-off boundary.

The aggressive left-hander went to lunch unbeaten on 42 with the hosts steady at 2-71. A century beckoned in the second session, but Broad exacted revenge, removing Warner after he slapped an innocuous short ball to Kevin Pietersen at cover.

The Matraville Mauler deserved at least a half-century, but he walked off with perhaps a more precious currency.

Something called respect.

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Scott is the bogey man

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IT was a dramatic collapse. Five gone in the blink of an eye. The trophy surrendered, perhaps, with the battle still in its first day.

Not Australia, Adam Scott. Not five wickets, five shots.

A horrendous quintuple bogey nine at the par four 12th hole during the first round of the World Cup at Royal Melbourne that was, from Scott, far more shocking than Australia's routine top order collapse.

A tee shot and a provisional ball both carved right into the tea tree. The first ball lost, the second unplayable. So Scott trudged back to the tee where he needed to hole out from 410 metres to salvage bogey. He came up short.

That walk back to the tee is familiar to the club hacker as the Australian batsmen's march back to the pavilion. But for the world No.2 it must have felt as unfamiliar as leaving a nightclub without being offered half a dozen phone numbers.

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Nine is usually the first figure on a prizemoney cheque for Scott, not a golf score. It was the highest number he had pencilled on his scorecard since an unsightly 10 at Doral six years ago.

Inevitably, Scott would sign for a four over 75. Eight more than in his first round on the same course at the Australian Masters one week ago. Only Jason Day's pleasing 68 stopped Australia from slipping lower than eighth in the team event.

''Two lazy swings,'' said Scott of two of three two-irons he hit from the 12th tee. ''Just off with the fairies.''

Perhaps that was a sign of fatigue given Scott's tremendous recent workload. Having won back-to-back tournaments for the first time and shouldered a mountain of media and promotional work, he was entitled to a momentary brain fade. Even if the punishment did not quite fit the crime.

Scott's dramatic blowout was part of an otherwise low key day at Royal Melbourne. An indication the World Cup had not yet captivated even that golf mad part of the planet in Melbourne's famed sand belt region.

Adam Scott emerges from the scrub seemingly without his lost ball during his opening round. Source: Getty Images

Tournament organisers IMG are promoting back-to-back events on the same course, a tough sell even with Scott's quest for a Summer Slam and Day's relatively rare home appearance. But the subdued atmosphere from the modest galleries did not do justice to the excellent golf from some top-line players in conditions far more difficult than last week when the greens were softened by rain.

American Kevin Streelman upstaged his more heralded countryman Matt Kuchar with a sometimes spectacular 66. He matched the mark set by Danish veteran Thomas Bjorn who ensured Denmark had a chance of tightening its traditional grip on world golf.

Not that there was any hint of patriotic fervour. A bone of contention about the new World Cup format was that, as teams events go, this is more like Formula One than Ryder Cup. Every man for himself, then tally the numbers at the end of the day.

Still searching, Adam Scott peers into the undergrowth as he hunts down his lost ball. Source: Getty Images

Scott and Day played two hours and eight minutes and eight holes apart wearing their regular sponsored shirts rather than team uniform. Not an arrangement that allowed for Ryder Cup-style high-fiving or which distinguished the event greatly from last week's Australian Masters.

The added emphasis on the individual prize has been justified by the World Cup's dwindling significance on a crowded calendar. But yesterday that seemed a bit like fighting the market dominance of vanilla ice cream by producing yet more vanilla ice cream.

Surely something could have been done to accentuate the World Cup's point of difference - a team battle for a once prestigious team trophy. Like the Ashes, except with Australia having some chance to win.

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Aussies need Clarke to bat at No. 5

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IF Australia is to have any hope of competing with England after yet another inept batting performance, Michael Clarke must move back to number five.

His uncomfortable dismissal for just one on the opening day of the first Test at the Gabba, fending a Stuart Broad short ball to short leg, has reinforced why Australia's only world class player is wasted batting any higher.

Enough of the macho argument that your best batsman should bat up the order, he should bat where he performs best.

When Clarke bats at four he is not Australia's best batsman, far from it.

He averaged under 25 in the position and it was under 22 until he scored 187 in the washed out third Test at Old Trafford on a flat pitch.

When Clarke bats at five he is superman. He averages 64 and has scored 20 of his 24 centuries there.

At four he has reached 50 just five times and he does it only once every seven or eight innings in that position.

Stuart Broad celebrates after his short ball forced Michael Clarke to fend a catch to Ian Bell at short leg. Source: Getty Images

At five he has reached 50 39 times, once every two or three innings.

Exposing Clarke to a newish ball he does not platy well is wasting Australia's most precious asset.

The same thing happened in the first innings of the opening Test during the last Ashes series when Clarke was forced to come in at 2-19 and was bowled by an absolute corker of a ball from Jimmy Anderson for 0.

What a waste. Better to sacrifice any other player to the unplayable ball than Clarke.

On the evidence of recent series no one else in the line-up can mount a convincing argument they should be in the team on consistent performances.

If it takes a major reshuffling of the batting order to get Clarke back in his rightful position then so be it.

Michael Clarke trudges off the field after being removed by a well-targeted short ball in what has become a familiar dismissal. Source: Getty Images

On the evidence of his time as captain it has been no Clarke, no Australia.

Tasmania's Alex Doolan is the best batsman in the country without a baggy green cap and given the continued poor showing of the national team it cannot be far away.

Doolan is a natural number three and is in the form of his life.

He could easily slot into that position for Australia given it has been so unproductive since Ricky Ponting began to fade late in his career, with Shane Watson moving to four.

This would leave Clarke at five and Steve Smith at six.

If George Bailey is forced out of the side after one Test so Clarke can be at his most productive then so be it.

Bailey and Australia may make any changes redundant with a spectacular second innings but history tells us that Tests are largely won and lost on first innings runs.

Private murmurings around Australian cricket suggest that Bailey "nicks for fun" and it certainly looked like it yesterday during his brief and unconvincing stay of three.

Whatever happens the status quo is not an option. Too many players have failed too often in the recent past to persist with mediocrity.

And without Clarke making a significant contribution Australia is regularly mediocre.

MICHAEL CLARKE BATTING

No. 4: 889 runs - 25 average - 1 century

No. 5: 5829 runs - 64 average - 20 centuries

Career: 7656 runs - 52 average - 24 centuries

SHOULD GEORGE BAILEY BE DROPPED AFTER ONLY ONE TEST TO ALLOW MICHAEL CLARKE TO BAT AT NUMBER FIVE? HAVE YOUR SAY BELOW.

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Cricket Confidential: A horror story

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CRICKET Confidential takes a different view on the opening Ashes Test as a horror story began to unfold at the Gabba and the Brisbane crowd experienced Ground Hog Day.

Horror on the Broadwalk

No, it's not a horror movie. Well, maybe it was before Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson slowed Stuart Broad's wicket-taking rampage and lowered the Gabba crowd's blood curdling screams to a murmur.

The Brisbane public really embraced The Courier-Mail's hate campaign aimed at public enemy No.1, Broad.

Aside from the constant booing whenever the lanky quick had the cherry in his hand, one great mind north of the Tweed came up with this gem: Stuart Broad, I know what you did last summer.

Hats off sir!

The Gabba crowd targets public enemy No.1. Adam Head. Source: News Corp Australia

Piggy in the middle

No, it's not 1983 and Sir Ian "Beefy" Botham (the pig) isn't causing mayhem on the Gabba outfield.

But there was a sense of deja vu in Brisbane on Thursday after a police officer - we haven't confirmed if it was the same constable from 83' - was snapped carrying a pig from the stands that had been smuggled in.

Don't worry kids, it wasn't Babe, but you might want to shield your eyes when "Beefy" tucks into a few bacon butties on day two.

Tweet of the day

Cricket's cockney rhyming slang

We're playing the Poms, so it's only fitting we give you the best cockney rhyming slang. Cricket Confidential heard a beauty on Thursday.

Mitchell Johnson hit a Demi Moore. Translation: Mitchell Johnson hit a cracking four!

Tweet us more cricket related rhyming slang at @FOXCricketLive or @FOX_CRICKET

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Broad shoulders abuse to thrive

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STUART Broad revealed how a psychologist's report told him he would thrive on abuse as England's destroyer turned Michael Clarke into his Ashes batting bunny.

Broad may be Public Enemy No.1 down under, but the English quick is also Clarke's bully-boy after continuing his domination of Australia's best batsman in the first Test.

The Courier-Mail had urged Brisbane fans to snub the paceman as part of a "Broad-ban" and how Clarke must have wished his rival was barred from the Gabba precinct.

The Australian skipper managed a mere single before Broad struck again - the sixth time in his last eight Test innings Clarke has fallen to his British bogeyman.

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The paceman (5-65) finished with bragging rights as Australia recovered to 8-273 and he later attended the press conference clutching a copy of the newspaper that had pilloried him.

Mind-games clearly don't faze Broad. England's team shrink subjected the entire squad to a pre-tour psychological assessment and it found three players would relish sledging in Australia.

"We do all these tests about what kind of personality we are," said Broad, who was booed before his first delivery of the morning.

"The psychologist said there are three guys in this side who would thrive on getting abuse and they are 'KP' (Kevin Pietersen), myself and Matty Prior, so they picked the good men together."

Of the anti-Broad campaign, he said: "A couple of my mates had mentioned it, but I just saw this (The Courier-Mail) outside and it made me smile.

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"It's good fun. At the end of the day, you are focusing on your routines, not what the crowd is doing.

"But there is something about Ashes cricket that brings out my best ... there is a bit more niggle there."

The 27-year-old removed the top-three of Chris Rogers (1), David Warner (49) and Shane Watson (22), but it was his dismissal of Clarke that franked his big day out.

Like a cricketing ghost, Broad incessantly haunts Clarke. At 2-73, the skipper faced a typical rescue mission before Broad had him spooked, producing a rearing short-ball which Clarke fatally fended to Ian Bell at short leg.

"We know what a big player he is so you always have specific plans for their best players," he said.

"For the plan to work with Michael gave us a big lift."

Stuart Broad appeals unsucessfully to remove David Warner, one of his few disappointments on Thursday. Source: Getty Images

The firebrand dismissed Clarke five times during the recent series in England. Broad now has his scalp a record eight times at Test level, but denied having the wood on Australia's top dog.

"I wouldn't say I have a hold over him," he said.

"He can be destructive. There will be a time in the series when it goes well for him so we've got to enjoy the time he walks back for less than 10."

Few bowlers can consistently bamboozle Clarke but Broad, with his energy, competitive fire and deceptive short-ball, clearly has the man nicknamed 'Pup' on a leash.

Stuart Broad clean bowls Mitchell Johnson with a ball that swung late as the batsman attempted to drive. Source: Getty Images

And the Poms have every reason to delight in Broad's muzzling of Australia's top dog.

For decades, Aussie fans have rejoiced at the mention of Daryll Cullinan, the classy batsman who turned into a South African version of Phil Tufnell whenever he faced spin-king Shane Warne.

But for all the jibes not even Warne dominated Cullinan like Broad has Clarke. Warne dismissed Cullinan four times in the Test arena, which makes Broad's spell over Clarke twice as magical.

Broad has his critics and has been derided as a blond-haired, baby-faced pretty boy. But he possesses the heart of a lion, bowling unnerving lines yesterday to claim his 11th five-wicket Test haul. He finished the day with 222 Test victims and is set to overtake countrymen Steve Harmison (226), Andrew Flintoff (226), Darren Gough (229) and Andy Caddick (234) this summer.

No stranger to being laughed at, Broad has delivered the punchline. The joke is on Australia ... and Michael Clarke.

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